The bottom of my heart

I went outside, needing to be alone, and I talked to God. I asked him: “why are you not talking to me? Why am I always talking to you and you’re not answering? Why are you answering people around me but you seem to be so silent with me? I need you to talk to me right now!”

Yes, I said that to God! It seems awful, doesn’t it? Talking to the God of the universe like that! I’m pretty hard on God sometimes.

This week, my DTS group and I were at a conference in Oklahoma with other discipleship training schools from the United States. We had so many good times of worship and times together to pray! But between God and I…I felt nothing.

I was asking Him some questions, imploring Him for things that really mattered to me and which I thought mattered to him too. Guess what?! I felt nothing…not even a sign that He would answer.

I went back inside, simply sat down in front of God and said nothing. The preacher was talking at the end of the worship time and was saying: “God is there, He’s telling you…Trust me, trust me again. “

So I went to my room, where my wonderful friends came to find me and bring me some encouragement!

The next morning, I got up, walked along the river and sat down to take a moment with God. I opened my bible, and read Genesis chapter 8.

Noah’s story is very interesting when you look at it. God asked him to build an ark for the rain that will be pouring down for 40 days. He asked him and his family to go in, with a pair of each animal. That looks crazy, but Noah did it. God didn’t explain in details what would happen after, like how long would they stay on the ark, or how they will know when the rain has stopped.

It rained for 40 days and the waters rose over the earth for 150 days, which is 5 months where they were stuck inside the boat.

The first verse of chapter 8 says : «God remembered Noah, all those alive and the animals with him in the ark. God sent a wind over the earth so that the waters receded. ».

After that, Noah still didn’t know when they would be able to go out of the boat. The waters decreased gradually until the tenth month, which means they spent 8 months on the ark. Noah had to wait 40 days more until finally he was able to send a raven to see if the waters had dried up. Afterward, He sent a dove but the dove found no place to set its feet. So he waited 7 more days and sent the dove again but that time it came back only in the evening…with a torn olive leaf. Then He waited 7 more days….sent the dove again, and it never came back.

On the first month of the year, Noah removed the ark’s hatch and saw that the surface of the land had dried up.

And then, in the second month, on the seventeenth day, which is one year after they had gone into the ark, God finally spoke to Noah and told him to go out of the ark!

One year stuck on a boat, it’s not that bad, but not knowing when you could get out, that would honestly test my patience! «Where was God ? » could have thought Noah? But he waited and did exactly what God had asked Him to do.

Why ?

Because He knew God. He knew that God is faithful, He’s in control, He has planned everything, He loved Noah and His family, He never failed and He won’t start now!

God didn’t forget Noah, as Genesis 8: 1 says, but he didn’t necessarily talk to him all the time. But it doesn’t mean He wasn’t with Him all the time.

Personnally, this week at the conference was hard for me for so many reasons. One of them was that it was so hard for me to find my place in a group that was always talking in English, which is my second language. It was good practice, but communication was so hard.

But what is faith? In Hebrew 11: 1 it says: «Faith is the reality of what we hope for, the proof of what we don’t see. ».

Sometimes, faith is walking like you already received what you asked for because you know God gave you everything you need and you know He is almighty. You know you are children of God and He takes care of you! Even if you don’t feel it in the present moment, God asks you to walk that way!

Sometimes, God will say no to the things you ask for, but His promises about Who He is and the way He takes care of you remain, even if you don’t see that at all.

That’s our God! He loves me so much that He knows that answering me right now, as I asked for when I was outside that night, would not have been good for me. He wants to answer in His perfect timing, and guide me to trust not in his answers but in HIM, in who He is!

And you know what, one of the things I desperately asked God for that time was fulfilled months later, when I wasn’t expecting it at all! But…that’s another story!