The bottom of my heart

I used to think sometimes God is doing nothing for me. I had this idea that He’s just there and I have to try so hard to see Him and connect with Him.

I grew up in a christian family,  my parents taught me How God loves me and How He died to pay for my sins. I understood that and I was always thankful to Him for that. I loved Him and served Him.

But when I’m honest, I had a hard time to be satisfied by His love. I always wanted people’s love more than His.

I asked God : you died for everyone because you loved everyone. But what does it mean exactly in my own life ?

I am an emotionnal person. I really think God talks to us according to our personnality.

In last october, I was sitting in the the classroom at ywam’s training center. I was so tired, it was a wednesday afternoon and I was trying to understand what Troy Sherman, the teacher, was saying. He was a fast speaker in english, which is my second language. I had just no focus.

But at one moment, he talked and everyting were pretty clear to me.

He was explaining the way Jesus died on the cross. The thing is, the way you die on the cross is suffocation. You can’t breath. After a moment you suffer on the cross, the soldiers come and break your legs, then you have no support on your feet and no way to lift you up. But when they came to Jesus, He was already dead.

The cross didn’t kill Jesus, sin didn’t kill Jesus. He chose by Himself to die…Because He loves us ! Love was THE reason why He chose to pay !

Jesus loved us so much that He came on the earth, into His creation and let them judge Him. Sorry, I need to repeat it again. Jesus came into His creation, which He created because He loved them, and let them judge Him.

Why ? Because He loves us….

He let them find Him guilty, even if He wasn’t at all, so then now we cannot blame Him because He already paid.

That’s our God !

At this moment, I felt like Jesus talked to me. It wasn’t a voice or something you can see physically. I just felt Jesus looking at me with sadness and telling me : when do you will understand how I love you Jade ? I not only died for everyone, I had your name in my mind when I died. I chose to die because I loved you so much that I wanted you to be close to me.

At this moment, I felt like Jesus was shaking me but also welcoming me in his arms with a kind of love that I can’t ask for, I can’t control, I can’t loose and that I can’t fully understand. I just felt overwhelmed by his deep love.

Telling God that he’s doing nothing doesn’t make sense now. He already did everything for me. He loves me so much and keep pursuing me in so many ways. I think we sometimes misunderstand His love.

There’s so many things about God and His words that we can understand and accept, but not fully experience.

Ask God the things in your life you’re not sure to understand. Walking wih God is not about reading your bible and trying to follow the rules. It’s about a relationship !

So sit down a moment and ask Him to show you the things that really matters to Him.

He will !

Crédit photo: Kristina Bastien